I was an absent mommy

Wow, over a year later I finally write a new post. What happened?

Almost everything happened except me being a good mommy…

It was very difficult managing home, school, and work this past year. During the last half of 2008 it got so bad that I wanted to quit everything. It seemed that I was not a good student, nor was I a good employee; and I was not a good mother.

In November 2008, I scheduled a visit with a psychiatrist. Within the first 5 minutes of our meeting, she suggested I try prescription drugs. I’ve never liked the idea of taking drugs that I don’t need, especially if she hasn’t even bothered to listen to all my problems. I didn’t plan a subsequent visit with her.

In March, I did try to call psychiatry again. I was on the verge of a breakdown trying to manage work, school, and family. and I didn’t know who else to turn to. I was hoping they would have some miracle drug that would help me finish the last 2 months of school. Then I realized that by the time the miracle drug takes effect – my deadlines would have been completed and my depression and anxiety would have gone away.

I had no choice but to finish the MBA/Masters program “au natural.” Also, I couldn’t quit work. We need the money as we really don’t know where this horrible economy will take us. So I had to take time away from my little one.

Luckily, I have a very supportive husband who is very involved with DS’s life. He has been taking care of most house chores and a lot of my son’s needs this past 1.5 years. However, there are some things that he can’t do all by himself.

DS has always been on the low-end of the growth chart. After the winter, he dropped in the growth chart to well below zeroth percentile. I blame my absence for this.

DS has also become quite addicted to Mickey Mouse in the past month. Mickey Mouse pretty much babysits him as I try to finish up a 40 page term paper or I work all day and night building a prototype and getting only 2-4 hours of sleep.

DS knows I’ve been absent more these past few weeks as I tried to finish my last class and complete my 100 page thesis paper. To get our attention, he wines constantly or rebels. I guess some of this is part of two-year-old’s behavior, but I  think that if I gave him more attention, he wouldn’t be as whiny or rebellious.

I’m hoping that it’s not too late for me to correct his behaviors. Now that I’m done with school I’ve decided to focus Family and Health.

I don’t ever want to put myself under so much stress. I understand that hardships make you become a better person. But I hate that my hardships had to take away from my family.

I am a clueless mommy

Yes, after an entire year of trying to be the perfect mommy, I’ve come to the conclusion that will never happen. Instead, I am and will always remain a Clueless Mommy.

However, there are some things that I have learned from the first year of Baby Bear’s life.

1. Guilt is an inevitable part of being a parent. No matter how much you try, you will always find things that could have done better.

2. Although experts say your baby should reach a milestone by week X, your baby will not reach that milestone until he chooses to.

3. And yes, though they don’t say very much, even the youngest babies have their own agenda, opinions, and preferences. Baby Bear hated tummy time so much that he was able to turn himself from tummy to back on his second week.

4. Babies confirm that we are indeed social creatures. Baby Bear can be fussy for a couple hours at home; but when a visitor comes over, he wears his charm on his sleeves and greets them with a welcoming curiosity.

5. To the shock of many pet lovers’ opinion -  one’s pet is not the same as having a baby. In fact, you have no idea what unconditional love is until you have a baby. (Sorry, Hubs, but even you agree that you didn’t know that you could love something so much as you could love our Baby Bear).

6. Despite non-parents’ uncool perception of parenting – parenting is the best experience there is.

7. Every parent is unique and will express love for their children in their own way. Some are the perfectionist martyrs that talk about everything they give up for their children. Some are more like their children’s friends and may be a little lax on the disciplining. Some parents never display affection – they display their love through actions like working incessantly, running all the family errands, ensuring that the family finances are in tact. And some parents wearily try to do all of the above and then some. It doesn’t mean one parent is more “right” than the other, it simply means that is the only way they know how to express love.

There are so many parenting styles and each child has his or her own personality and development cycle that how can a parent truly be a parent by the book? Based on my observations above, instead of worrying about being the perfect parent, I have decided to ignore most of my guilt and enjoy these precious moments as much as I can. So what if Baby Bear wakes up in the middle of the night and I choose to have him sleep with us? Instead of worrying about Ferber’s opinions, I will enjoy the nights that Baby Bears wants to cuddle with me before he turns into a preteenager who avoids me at all cost.

So thanks Babycenter and Dr. Spock for all your wise insights, but I don’t need to and I can’t be a parent by the books. I now bow down and graciously put on the badge of Clueless Mommy. Instead of striving for perfection, I will do what my parents did before me – do the best I can at parenting.